ascendancy

sometimes i feel i can't handle the past.

i left part of myself there, and lately my heart feels too full and rampant when i go back. if there were a formula for the feeling, it would be two parts longing and one part disappointment.

i thought once that my past created me, but now i'm not sure, because a lot of it wasn't what i thought it was. i thought i was supposed to build every new day on the day before, but maybe that's only what i think now that i look back and see faulty elements. i'm self-detonating.

sometimes i wonder if that small torment will ever go away. its like a subtitle over the film reel of all those creating memories, indicating all the dishonest crap. there are days when i just want to scream, you should feel so guilty, and i'm sick about how different things would be if i had known.

but other days, that one part disappointment tastes weak, and i have no idea where i'd rather be, or how else it could've all been put together.